"Jesse continued watching, even though she didn't quite understand" (S31)

Jesse continued watching, even though she didn't quite understand why since she had never really been attracted to spirituality before. In fact, she felt mostly uncomfortable whenever she heard people around her speak of their own religious beliefs. Because she felt excluded, perhaps, or because she thought it didn't make much sense to focus on the spiritual in a world where very physical, urgent events were happening everywhere. Still – this evening, Jesse was feeling overwhelmed. She hated her phone as much as she loved it: she liked being able to contact people, and yet despised having to be available anywhere, at all times. So, as any reasonable human being would do, she had started doomscrolling. The woman on her screen was talking about the ways in which spirituality had helped her find a sense of inner peace, a feeling which was rather foreign to Jesse. Indeed, as soon as she had left her parents' house to go to university, she had started keeping herself busy with all sorts of things, from student societies to a crippling work addiction. Even though her friends and family kept telling her to slow down, she didn't really get what it meant. Still, Jesse found herself clicking on that woman's username and watching a few more of her videos. She kept telling herself it was only out of curiosity, just as you might watch videos of brownie recipes without the slightest intention to actually bake them. Yet, hearing someone talk about spirituality felt weirdly freeing. Jesse had spent most of her teenage and young adult years caring for others, and she began to understand that caring about yourself didn't necessarily amount to selfishness – instead, it could also be expansive. She ended up subscribing to that account and put down her phone. Tonight, she wouldn't spend hours trying to make plans with her friends or looking for job offers. Instead, she took up one of the notebooks sitting on her bookshelf and started reflecting, writing things down as they came to her mind. Some might call it journalling, but to Jesse, it meant a little more than that. For the first time in months, or even years, she started wondering what she really wanted out of this life – what she put value in, what she wanted to value. She wasn't sure whether the algorithm showing her that first video was actually a sign of the divine, and she wasn't sure whether what she felt could be called an epiphany either. She was sure, however, that she had gotten a glimpse of a different way of seeing and feeling the world.